by Lizette Lobpries, Equine Gestaltist, Equine Facilitator, Whispers From Peace
Introduction: A parent can fall into the depths of despair, experience extreme anxiety, and develop physical symptoms when their adult child estranges him/herself from the parent and/or the family. I believe that Gestalt coaching techniques, specifically understanding of typology differences and the resultant reframing of attitudes and perspectives, are keys to attaining a peaceful and understanding relationship with oneself, and possibly with the estranged adult child. This can also be applied to strained and estranged situations with other family members.
Significance: Severing ties with one’s parents has become prevalent and is seen as encouraged and supported on social media and in younger generations. Fractured families and the pain and guilt that result create negative energy, an inability to function clearly, and anxiety all around the community. This capstone project shows that this chaotic mindset can be eased and abated with Gestalt coaching using typology knowledge and other Gestalt tools. I have personally experienced this pain and doubt within myself and have rediscovered peace and joy through my deeper knowledge of typology studies.
Purpose: The purpose of this capstone is to document that estranged parents coached on typology and with Gestalt techniques can truly attain more peace for themselves, giving them clarity to move forward with joy in their lives.
Setting and Participants: The client came to my home office, where I have a room set up with two comfortable chairs and my various props and tools. She came with a fragile anxiety concerning her son and daughter-in-law, with whom she and her husband had a very strained relationship.
Capstone Description/Process: The client had planned to stay for three weeks with her expectant son and daughter-in-law and was very stressed and afraid there would be a negative effect on the birth of the baby if she could not de-stress the situation. We explored the client’s parts of self, and which ones came out when she interacted with her son and daughter-in-law. The conversation included her husband’s typology, who was also involved in the fragile relationship. We also explored the apparent typology of the daughter-in-law, who was very resistant to my client’s efforts to help out, and empathized with how the daughter-in-law’s perspective of the situation caused her to be offended. The client formed ways to ask questions of the daughter-in-law to engage in offering help, being conscious of how the questions were worded, and employing techniques from my NLP training. We also discussed neutral and diplomatic ways to respond when sensitive situations arose, to encourage discussion rather than triggering charged emotions. The client wrote notes to re-read, take home, and discuss with their dad and husband. After fully addressing her fears about navigating and resolving the rocky relationship, the client felt more confident, understanding, and knew how to manage her own emotions and needs to be more neutral and less forward in her efforts to be helpful.
We then went to my horse corral, where the client stood in the center. I helped to ground her, and Empy (my Arabian co-coach) was able to walk anywhere around her. He eventually approached her and nibbled at both her hands for a long time. He walked away, then he approached her again, nibbling again, on her hands, arms, and chest until she was so tired and relaxed, she was at a point where she felt “done.”
Capstone Results/Impact: When the client returned from a visit to her son and daughter-in-law, she reported that they successfully went with a revised frame of mind, using her reframed understanding of the daughter-in-law’s typology and perspective, and her own. The visit included two sit-down discussions, which were clarifying and satisfying. The visit was successful, a new grandbaby was born, and the relationship was much better and closer.
Capstone Evaluation: Upon the client’s return from her visit, she told me all about the visit and their renewed ability to sit and have discussions, clearing the air from previous hard feelings. I asked her if she felt the Gestalt coaching session helped her. She immediately said, oh, absolutely, I went with a new sense of attitude, a changed perspective on how to approach the situation, and tools to communicate more effectively. I asked her to complete a survey regarding the same.
Future Directions: This and other experiences with parents of adult estranged children will be the basis for my passion when I talk to local groups and individuals about my business and what my horses and I can do to alleviate the pain and bring back whispers of peace.
Acknowledgements: I am grateful to Melisa Pearce, of Touched By A Horse™, and her brilliance in teaching me for four years how to be a successful healing coach using her Equine Gestalt Coaching Method™. I am grateful for my client and for her trust in me, allowing me to coach her to find her best self.
References:
Pearce, M.: What the Heck is Gestalt? Touched by a Horse, Inc., 2019.
Keirsey, David, and Bates, Marilyn: Please Understand Me. Prometheus Nemesis Book Company, 1984.
Hoobyar, Tom, et al. NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming. HarperCollins, 2013.